Saturday, August 8, 2009

Still grieving...

When she died,
love began splitting atoms in my heart
To find her.
Each time
She is not found
an atomic flash
is emitted from my heart
Across the cosmos.

Not here... not here...
My love searches for her
Until it has spread everywhere
At light speed.

The searching hurts
Like an atomic flash
Then my small vessel
melts down in tears.

Over and over
This reaction has been triggered
Each time my heart recalls its love for her.
Something must be done...
This special love must be transmuted.

I want no more of special love.
This mourning has compelled a fission
Both catastrophic and miraculous.
The atomic flashes of love
Seeking her out across the cosmos
Have been the dawning
Of a more universal love,
One with infinite power
And yet peace
Peace at the core
and in my heart.

I will have less attachment to individuals, now. Because free will makes us too dangerous to count on. But this will not lessen my goodwill. In fact, it will preserve it from the spoil of bitterness. Expectation leads to disappointment. I know I have disappointed others in my special relationships.
I am more interested in Agape now (unconditional love). I want to throw myself more fully into the Ministry of goodwill and service without attachment or expectation. I want peace in my heart. All of this is passing. Everything we do and feel is an offering to the only eternal place. Nothing belongs to us here. Our love comes from God and belongs to God. God is love. Jenny is with God now. She is held in love.


  1. Hi Jen, reading your last two entries. I enjoyed them thoroughly. I can appreciate your eloquence and gift for words when you write from your heart and connect to your humanity. It was visual and heart stopping.

    I find when you write about concepts, thoughts, and ideas, i cannot relate as much feels more distant and abstract.

    Eric H.